It's Showtime!
by MrWriterWriter
Summary: Everyone claims the Kyuubi is a demon or a sentient mass of chakra. But what if it was something else, or more specificly, someone else? Someone with a pinstripe suit and a taste for pranks and beetles? M for crude and perverted humor.
1. Chapter 1

**You know the drill. **

Ch1.

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**Naruto'S PoV:**

Just when you think your day can't get any worse..

I wake up to find that my so-called team left me behind while they went to the bridge for the next enounter with Zabuza. On the way there, I find out that Gato bastard sent a couple of his goons to grab the old man's family for hostages. Thankfully they were just a couple of two-bit thugs, so it wasnt too much trouble to deal with them.

When I finally get to the bridge the fight's already started; the ero-cyclops is dealing with no-brows, pinky's 'guarding' Tazuna, and the emo-jackoff 's getting his ass handed to him by the fake hunter-nin in this wierd mirror dome.

In case you're wondering why I'm not even bothering with their names, I'll explain later.

Anyway, the teme looked like he needed help the most. Using a smoke bomb for cover, i managed to tiptoe in and tred to get him to follow me out. But, I forgot a good chunk of his mind was devoted to ego. Soon as I got his attention, the first thing to come out of his mouth was 'Get out of here, dobe! I don't need your help fighting him!'

I should add that he said this loud enough for his opponant to hear and blew any cover we had. And let me tell you, those needles that guy uses hurt like hell!

So, there we are trying to find a way out while getting turned into pincushions; I'm shrowing out shadow clones like mad in the hopes the guy'll get distracted so we can get out of this thing, unfortunately I didn't know what the hell Uchiha was doing until I was grabbed by the collar and yanked over..

Right into the path of another volley of needles. When I turned to try and avoid what I could, I saw something that pissed me off to no end.

The same comma marks one-eye had. Sharingan That plus the self-rightious smirk told me everything

The miserable son of a bitch deliberatly pulled me INTO the line of fire to save his own hide!

Though, the impact of the needles plus already using up most of my chakra meant I didn't get a chance to do much of anything before it all went black.

What I didn't know was that one act of backstabbing was gonna spell the end of me being 'Konoha's Punching Bag"

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**Regular PoV:**

Haku nearly dropped the senbon she was holding when she saw what the Uchiha had just pulled. Not only did he use his own teammate has a shield, he didn't even bother to hide what he was PROUD of what he did. She had intented for that batch to strike him where it would finally knock him out, but when Naruto suddenly appeared in the way, his size and slouch from exertion meant they struck in completly different spots then intended. Part of her prayed they weren't lethal.

"Hn, about time the dobe had a use." Sasuke sneered as he watched the blonde fall to the ground. Or he did until the air started rippling with KI, all of it coming from from the masked nin.

And all of it directed straight at him.

"You intentionally risked his life soley to protect youself..you MISERABLE PIG!" Haku snarled, putting the senbon away and loading her fists with kunai. She looked straight into his eyes and took aim.

Before she could let loose, the air around them suddenly went still and heavy. The mist outside the mirrors was actually sinking to the ground.

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Outside, even Zabuza and Kakashi could feel their skin crawl slightly from the ominous sensation.

"What the hell has that little idiot done now?" Kakashi muttered, "I should've just told him to stay to the side when he got here!"

It wasn't hard to tell who that was directed to, And even though he had just encountered the team a week prior, the ex-mist nin couldn't help but take offense to that comment, "And what makes you think it was him, Hatake? For all you know that duck-assed Uchiha could've done something stupid." He smirked inwardly when he caught the man's eye tick

"Unlike Naruto, Sasuke actually knows what it means to be a ninja." Came the smug reply.

"Oh really? And who was it that saved your soggy ass last week, hmm?" Zabuza pulled down part of his bandages to reveal the scar on his cheek. "He actually managed to draw blood while your apparent favorite nearly tried to commit suicide when we first fought." The tick came back full force, much to his amusement, _"Ha! Try and spin THAT, ya prick! Even Mist nin know playing favorites'll get you in trouble."_

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"Though I know I should be wary"

"What the!" Sasuke jumped back when the blonde stood back up, though it wasn't that he got up, it was how.

Naruto had literally raised back into a standing posistion, like he was on a flippable table. No sitting up, no limbs bending, nothing...

"Still I venture someplace scary'

_'N-Naruto..? What's going on?" _Haku fought back the urge to gulp when his eyes shot open. Whatever was happening, she didn't know weither to be relieved or half-scared out of her mind. Especialy with whatever he was talking about. His voice sounded hallow..almost dead.

"Ghostly hauntings I turn loose!'

"Beetlejuice!'

**"Beetlejuice!"**

**"BEETLEJUICE!"**

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Just a lil plot bunny that me and Pseuocode Samurai knocked around. This one'll probably be a depot for some of my more psychotic ideas.

Sneak Peek:

**KLANG!**

Watching the self-proclaimed 'avenger' rocket past her, Haku had to admit she'd never seen anyone get their face tattooed with a cast iron boxing glove before. Much less one with the letters 'BJ' emblazoned on it.

"THAT'S FOR THE NEEDLES, YA BASTID!"


	2. Chapter 2

_Previously:_

_"Though I know I should be wary"_

_ "Still I venture someplace scary' _

_ "Ghostly hauntings I turn loose!'_

_ "Beetlejuice!'_

_**"Beetlejuice!"**_

_**"BEETLEJUICE!"**_

Ch 2.

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Both Haku and Sasuke were forced to avert their eyes when he erupted in a blaze of light and acrid smoke, nearly filling the area. After a minute they could hear something from in side the cloud, as it got louder, they recognized what it was: laughing

"Hehehehahaha..AHHHAHAHAHA!" The laughter echoed across the bridge, sending a shiver up the spines of everyone who heard it. Tazuna felt the need to be anywhere else at the moment while Sakura...

Well, she passed out, much to his chagrin, "And she's supposed to be a ninja..?"

"That sounds kinda like the blonde gaki" Zabuza said, staring in the direction of the mirror dome, "Where'd he learn to laugh like that? Kinda creepy..I like it!"

As the smoke began to fade, they could see the outline of Naruto still standing, but something felt very, very different about him. Haku couldn't put her finger on it, but her gut was screaming 'Duck and cover!'

"Hey, teme." Naruto's voice spoke up from inside the cloud. It had a slight rasp to it, like the smoke was getting to him.

"What...?" Sasuke started, only to watch a large grey object get up close and personal with his face.

**KLANG!**

Watching the self-proclaimed 'avenger' rocket past her, Haku had to admit she'd never seen anyone get their face tattooed with a cast iron boxing glove before. Much less one with the letters 'BJ' emblazoned on it.

"THAT'S FOR THE NEEDLES, YA BASTID!" She heard Naruto yell as the smoke finally dissapated. Though the sight that greeted her was sar from what she remembered; gone was the short, orange jumpsuit-boy. In his place stood a slender young man around her height,his right hand welding the glove just before it suddenly vanished. If it wasn't for the whisker marks, she would have been even just plain freaked out.

In the jumpsuit's place was, strangly enough, a black and white pinstripe suit with black boots, under the jacket was a dark red button-up shirt and black necktie. His headband was missing too, though she noticed he had a tieclip on with a leaf on it.

His clothes weren't the only thing that had changed. His skin had paled somewhat and his hair had lost a good bit of it's usual spikyness had a widow's peak. Both eyes were slightly sunken, and while they were still the same color, had a beady gleam to them. To top things off, blood-red fingernails were visable when he reached to adjust the tie.

"Self-absorbed, egomanical little..." He grumbled before turning back to Haku, "Sorry 'bout that..uh, where were we?"

Haku on the other hand, was still trying to let what she had seen sink in; the part of her mind reminding her they were supposed to be enemies at the moment wasn't helping matters. But as she looked at the transformed blonde, other parts were shifting between 'cute' and 'creepy'.

She was quickly brought back to reality when Naruto waved a hand in front of her, "Hellooo...Wave Country to Hunter-Nin...you in there?"

Realizing how close the two were now, she reacted in the first avalible way: letting out a surprised squeak before jumping back. Unfortunately, in doing so she bumped against a mirror, the impact knocking her mask free.

This time it was Naruto's turn for his eyes to widen, "Haku? That you..?" The pair stood in silence for a minute before He pointed a finger dead at her, "I KNEW IT!"

The fake hunter-nin quickly braced herself for the inevetible shouts of betrayal and anger from the blonde. However...

"You ARE a girl! There's no way in hell a guy can squeak like that, much less be that damn pretty! I was right, HA!"

"Huh..? But..Zabuza and I..we were hired to kill your client. I mean..shouldn't you feel betrayed that I'm actually your enemy?"

"True, that does make us opponents..though in a way I can see it on a professional level. As for killing Tazuna..'fraid I can't really let you just up and waste the boozer, but what if I made an offer that was a lttle more tempting? Besides, from what I've heard about that clown he doesn't sound like he's the kind to part with his cash willingly."

"True..to be honest I can't stand being around that ugly little troll. Feel like he's always trying to look through my clothes to see what gender I really am." She gagged slightly at the thought.

"Yeah, I think that counts as an 'ew' moment."

"Very." She pushed the thought aside, "Soo..you said something about a better offer for me and Zabuza?"

"I can talk to the Hokage about letting you two become Konoha shinobi. Probably be a nice change of pace from living on the road all the time."

Haku could scarely believe what he had just said. Becoming Leaf-nin? Them? It seemed too good to be true; no more worrying about the location of their next meal or when the next Mist Hunter-nin would strike, a permanant roof over their heads and steady pay.

"But..why would the Hokage be willing to let us in just because a single genin asked him?" She didn't mean to sound disbeliving, but the notion just felt too farfetched.

"Hey, if anyone can get the old man to at least consider it, it's yours truly." He replied, confidence lacing every word, "Besides, I like to think I'm a pretty good judge of character."

"Are you?" She asked.

"Probably not, but I like to think I am." He replied without missing a beat, earning a giggle from the older girl."

"Well..I like the idea. Though I'm not too sure how Zabuza would..." She froze at the mention of his name, "Zabuza! He's still fighting your sensei!"

"To be a 'sensei' he'd had to have actually TAUGHT something." He said, "But, we probably better stop them before they actually kill each other"

Haku allowed the mirrors to dissapate before they made their way over to the jounins. On the way they came across Tazuna and the unconcious Sakura.

Naruto facepalmed, "Do I even wanna know?"

"You tell me. The girl almost peed on herself before passing out from that creepy laugh a minute ago." Tazuna muttered. When he saw Haku, he recognized the kimono and started to freak until they could explain why they weren't fighting.

"You really think you can talk him into joining?" The man asked.

"Worth a shot." He shrugged, "What's the worst that could happen?" He prodded Sakura with the toe of his boot, "Just prop her up someplace till she wakes up. No sense having someone trip over her."

"Uh, right..oh, one more thing? What the hell was that thing that flew past a minute ago?

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For the first time in as long as he could remember, Zabuza Momochi's ribs ached from something other than a fight. The two were holding their own against each other when the faint whooshing sound to be heard. Kakash had turned just in time to have the approaching object slam straight into him. The impact was enough to send him and whatever it was tumbling a good fifteen feet before stopping, knocking him silly. When he saw the jounin had been clocked by his own student, who had a wierd 'BJ' shaped bruise on his face, he immedantly joined them on the ground, though he was busy laughing his ass off.

_"This is a bigger laugh than the time Kisame_ _got his sword caught on that kunoichi's pants!"_ He thought, trying his hardest to breath between fits of laughter. He didn't even notice Haku and Naruto arrive till the blonde started laughing as well.

"Wow, the teme got some distance!" He chuckled while Haku did her best to explain things to the missing-nin.

Once he managed to calm down, he gave the blonde a long hard look. Granted, the suit was a moderatly decent change from the 'here-I-am' orange, though it still looked out of place for a ninja. Ah well, he'd seen shinobi dressed wierder. "So, you really think your Kage will give us a place to stay? I'm not too sure your teammates'll be so agreeable when they wake up."

"You kidding? Their opinion matters to me about as much as mine matters to them."

"You got a point, Hatake was pretty quick to blame you when that wierd feeling went over."

"Let me guess, you suggested the teme could done something and he didn't wanna listen." the blonde's gaze turned icy when he looked over at the two-man heap, "When we get back to Konoha, remind me to see if there's a form or something I can fill out to get me off this sorry excuse of a 'team'."

"That bad?"

"The Uchiha intentionally pulled him into the way of my senbon to save himself. He was actualy PROUD of himself for it!" Haku said, looking ready to make the duck-ass a pincoushion again.

"Um, guys?" Tazuna called out, "Not to break up your discussion, but.." He pointed to the end of the bridge when they looked his way. Less than a fifty yards away stood a smug looking Gato with over a hundred of his hired goons behind him.

"Naruto said the little troll would more than likely turn on us, Zabuza. And it appears he was right." Haku muttered.

"Looks that way. Oi, Tazuna!" He called out to the bridge builder, "I'm the least of your worries now, the contract's canceled." Turning back to the small army, he realized something was off: aside from the look of complete and utter bewilderment on her face, the blonde was gone.

"Where'd the gaki go?"

"I'm note sure.." Haku replied, "He looked at Gato for a minute then he just grinned and started giggling in a really evil kinda way. Then..I blinked.."

"You know I'm actualy glad you're here, fat boy!" Naruto called out, suddenly appearing from behind the man and startling him and his men, "Cause you and your boys are gonna help me with a little science experiment!"

"How the hell did he get over there?" Tazuna yelped, checking his glasses.

'Bawk ba-cawk!'

"And where the hell did he get the chicken and fruit from!" Zabuza found himself wondering just how sane the kid was."

"What the? Get away from me, you stupid runt!" Gato demanded, making a motion for his man.

"Don't be like that. This'll be fun and completly painless. We're gonna see what happens when I take a live chicken, three mangos, a tube of tanning lotion, and a bottle opener and do THIS...!"

What followed immedantly caused the bridge builder to run crying back to town and Zabuza and Haku to look on in a mix of horror and twisted fascination.

'BAWK BAWK!'

"Hold still!"

"No, that's not stuuposed to turn that way!"

"WAHHHH! I WANT MY MOMMY!"

"That tickles!"

"AAAHHHH!"

To the side, Kakashi and Sasuke were coming to. As soon as the realized their posistion they both jumped to their feet, ready to fight.

Sadly for them, they still had their Sharingans on when they heard the commotion and looked looked...

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In Kumo, the villagers wondered who the poor bastards were that let out the high-pitched and terror-filled screams.

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"Z-Zabuza?"

"Yeah, Haku?" The masked man replied in an uncharacteristicaly smally voice.

"Should I be worried that I'm getting turned on watching him do this..?"

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Yeah..this one got a little dry as I got to the end, but I like to think of it as a bit of a primer for the mayhem in future chapters.

In case you're wondering, Naruto's gonna be a little of both the cartoon and movie Beetlejuices as well as a twistedness all hs own


	3. Chapter 3

"Kid..that was quite possibly the most disturbing thing I have EVER seen in my life." Zabuba muttered as he looked out over the end result of Naruto's work. A few of Gato's thugs were lucky enough to get away diving over the side of the bridge, The ones left, however, were either unconcious and twitchy or curled up into balls crying for their mothers along with Gato himself, "And I thought you said it was going to be painless"

"Ha, you oughta see what I'm capible of after I have time to plan." The blonde chuckled as the villagers finally arrived, "And it was, but I didn't say for who. Though I think the chicken's gonna need some serious therapy."

"Um, do we even wanna know what happened?" One of them asked.

"If it's why Tazuna was crying about 'fruit being used for unspeakable evil'...probably not." Another responded.

While they proceeded to deal with the businessman and his grunts, Naruto looked over at his so-called team. Kakashi and Sasuke had passed out again and were whimpering in their sleep, Sakura had finally come to, and after seeing her crush's state, immediantly laid the blame for it squarely at the blonde's feet and tried to beat him for it.

That is, until Haku introduced her to the wonders of duct tape.

"I really hate fangirls." She muttered, blushing brightly when Naruto's arms wrapped around her.

"I do believe you and I are gonna get along just fine, Haku-chan." He grinned, and hugged her tight.

"Mmmphhhh!" Sakura fidgeted from her new posistion on the ground

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Once Tsunami managed to get her father out from under the sink, the bridge was completed in a couple of days, with a promise that they'd send the rest of the payment once they got some business coming in. Inari was more curious about Naruto's new look.

"It's a one-of-a-kind job." Was all the boy could get out of him.

Soon the time came for them to go. Gato had already been shipped off to the Fire Daymio for trial. They said their goodbyes and started the trek back to Konoha. Since the two sharingan users were still out of it and Haku had taped up Sakura for the third time in two days after she attempted to pummel Naruto for, as she put it, 'making her Sasuke-kun look bad' after finding out he had delt with Gato himself, they decided to just toss the three of them onto an old blanket and drag them back.

On the way, Zabuza decided now was a good time to ask the question he had floating around, "Kid..Naruto..what happened? I mean, before you were a short oddball. Now..." He gestured vaguely at him.

"Hm? Oh, the suit and everything? It'll be easier if I save it for when we get back and tell the old man too. Just don't wanna have to repeat myself, plus.." he jerked a thumb to their 'baggage', "I don't want those choads overhearing."

"Mmmrree!"

"That's right, Pinkzilla." Naruto replied, not even bothering to look back at her, "Well, technically, Princess Emo and his fanboy there are the choads. You're the gooch."

"Rrrrhhhmmm!"

"Oh, that's simple: calling someome by their actual name is normally a sign that you like and/or respect them. I think all three of you are pantloads, so I'm not even gonna bother."

"Wow, you really don't like them.." Zabuza wasn't sure if he should phrase that as a statement or question.

"Well, considering my 'team' consists of a one-eyed scarecrow who blatenly reads porn out un front of everyone, is two hours late..at the least, even to meetings with the Hokage, and barely hides that he'd rather train only the emo-dick; a broody, self-absorbed, power-mad asshole who thinks everyone should be singing his praise ands runs crying to the civilian half of the council every time he's told no; and a damn fangirl who thinks Kami herself lives in the teme's rectum, attempting to hospitalize anyone who says otherwise, and is completly incapible of talking at any volume below 'nails on a chalkboard...that's putting it rather mildly." Naruto replied, giving the three a glare.

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Needless to say, when they finally reached the village gates the state they were in caused a bit of a stir. Several Uchiha lovers tried to demand what they had done or attempt to wake the boy up. That quickly ended when Zabuza growled and drew his cleaver. Kotetsu and Izumo, the chunin stuck with guard duty, were too busy laughing like idiots when they heard Kakashi whimper, 'Ka-ka be good boy, Clucky-sama' in his sleep.

They quickly made their way to the Hokage's office (abandoning the blanket after their 'luggage' did an impressive slinky impression down a couple flights of stairs), where he was cussing up a storm about the paperwork

"Can you write a few of those down, Gramps? Especially that last one!" Naruto chuckled, getting his attention.

"Um, who are you, and why is there an A-rank missin-n-n-Naruto!" The man yelped when he saw the whisker marks.

"Yep, it's your favorite wiseass!" The blonde grinned, "As for why Zabs and Haku are here..well, I suggested they come join Konoha. Hell, when we first met, Zabuza was kicking the scarecrow's butt even with his Sharingan out for half the fight. And Haku gave me and the teme hell with that mirror thing of hers. I figured it's an even trade. They get an actual place to stay, and I get a chance to work with people that aren't complete dipshits like these three." He gestured to the bodies on the floor.'

"Well...I'll admit, you do have quite the reputation, Zabuza. Although if I do allow you and..Haku, was it? If I allow you to stay, you will have to be put on probation for a couple of months since you are technically a wanted shinobi."

Zabuza simply shrugged, "Eh, not surprised."

The Hokage allowed himself a brief grin at the reaction before turning to Haku, "However, there's no info about you in the bingo book, so I'm somewhat at a loss info-wise."

"Actually, I 'm not an offical shinobi." She replied, "I trained under Zabuza after he went missing-nin."

"Wait..you mean Prince Emo got his ass handed to him...*snort*..by a girl who's technically still a civilian?" Naruto's face nearly split from the grin, "Oh this is GOLD! Please tell me you'll take a photo of his reaction if you tell him?"

Sarutobi cleared his throat to get their attention, "As interesting as that would be..Naruto, perhaps you could explain what happened?"

"Oh yeah. One sec." Naruto looked over when he heard the sounds of certain people finally waking up. The bloond took a deep breath, then...

**BUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRPPP!**

The pale green mist he expelled wafted over Sakura, Sasuke, and Kakashi. The others in the room watched in shock, and slightly grossed out, as all three froze where they were then collasped in a heap, twitching a little.

"Whoa." Haku said, seeing what else the mist had done. Whatever it was, it was potent enough to scorch off their eyebrows and a good portion of their hair, curling up what was left.

"Don't want them to hear." Naruto muttered before giving a recap of what had happened.

To say Hiruzen Sarutobi was livid at hearing about Sasuke using his own teammate as a shield, and being proud of it, was an understatement. He wasn't too happy with Kakashi after Zabuza's recollection of the masked jounin's statements.

"Incompetent..." He growled, staring at the unconcious trio.

"Oh..there is one more thing."

"Hm?"

"I'm not a jinchuuriki anymore."

Dead silence.

"I..I'm sorry..I must have something in my ear. It sounded like you said that you ..."

"Weren't a jinchuuriki, yeah. I'm not. Fuzzy's gone on the hereafter."

"H-hold on!" Zabuza's attention snapped back and forth between the leaf nin, "You're saying you had a tailed beast in you?"

"Pretty much. Kyuubi, the nine-tailed fox. The Fourth Hokage sealed it into me after it attacked Konoha."

"Wait..if you were the carrier, then..."

Naruto glared at his 'teammates', "Those three were pretty much just a sample of the bullshit I had to put up with in this town. As far as their concerned, I was just the fox in disguise.." He was cut off when Haku suddenly wrapped her arms around him, "I'm all right, Haku." He responded, patting her back, "Just get pissed off thinking about it. Though, this time..." His face twisted into a smirk that screamed 'evil', making the Hokage almost feel sorry for his village's populus. Key word: almost.

"Right.." The Hokage briefly considered the pros and cons of his next question before continuing, "Naruto, if you don't have the Kyuubi anyone like you say, then where is it?"

The suit-wearing blonde scratched the back of his head, "You may wanna pull up a chair. Thi's gonna take a while."

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Took a little longer than I had intended, but Ch. 3 is finally done.


	4. Chapter 4

"SASUKE! YOU BACKSTABBING FUCKTARD!" Naruto screamed as he flailed around in an attempt to get up, "WHERE ARE YOU! I'LL RAM YOUR OWN HEAD UP YOUR ASS!"

He could hardly believe it! He knew the Uchiha was a dickhead, but he didn't expect him to sink THAT low. After a few more minutes of cussing and declarations of what blunt and pointy objects he'd like to intoduce to his so-called 'teammate's' face and colon, he managed to calm down enough to realize something.

"Where'd the bridge go? And where'd the hell THAT come from?" He said, staring up at a wrought-iron gate the size of the hokage mountain. The wagon-sized lock was devoid of a keyhole, having a seal engraved on it that looked just like the one on his stomach, "What in the name of Kami's silk g-strings would anyone need something like this for?"

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Cut to a 6 foot tall, apple-bottomed brunette with an houglass figure, cocoa-brown eyes, and impressive d-cup bust filling out a gauzy white gown watching the conversation, her eyes widening in indignation, "What! Young man, I'll have you know that I wear NOTHING of the sort! I don't even wear any underwear!"

And while the poor cameraman takes time to recover from the loss of blood via nostril after hearing that, we cut back to your regularly scheduled story.

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**"Sure as hell ain't for the world's biggest peep show, I can tell ya that."** A voice rumbled from inside the gate.

"Nani..?" Naruto's eyes widened as a shape emerged from the darkness inside it, a rather LARGE shape. It neared the bars, revealing a nine-tailed fox that looked big enough to use the entire Hyuuga compound as a bed. Granted, now would be a normal time for him to be scared shitless, except two things overruled that reaction:

One: the fact than when it got close enough, it was easy to see it was just padding up like a lazy old hound dog.

Two: The rings under its eyes along with the noticibly poor dential hygiene caused any intimidation factor to take a severe blow.

**"Hey, how ya doing?" **The fox said in a conversational manner before letting out a loud belch that literally rattled the gate

"Uh...you're the Kyuubi, aren't you?" Naruto managed to get out. History class always said the fox had been a fearsome and terrifying monster. What stood in front of him seemed more like one of the Inuzuka's retired ninken.

**"A Ky-wha?" **Came the reply, **"Ain't that something you need chopsticks for?"**

"What...n-no! You! YOU'RE the Kyuubi! The nine-tailed demon fox!" He blurted out, his 'WTF' sense kicking in on full power, "You attacked Konoha 13 years ago!"

**"Hate to burst your bubble, Kiddo, but I don't really remember a whole lot. And for your information, the name is Beetlejuice. And I'm not a 'demon', I'm a ghost."**

Cue the slamming brakes, "Come again..?"

**"A ghost. A spook, specter, apparition, phantasim, oogy-boogy, something that goes bump in the night, you know." **The fox replied**.**

Naruto quickly turned bone-white at that, ever since sneaking into that horror movie when he was nine, the idea of undead didn't really sit too well with him.

**"Yeah, I used to get that a lot."** Beetlejuice commented, noticing how pale he had gotten, **"Uh, ya may wanna consider breathing, kid. Realx, I ain't one of those 'i'm coming for yoooohhhoo..' types. Not really my style unless it's for a good prank."**

"Uh, r-right.." Naruto responded, slightly relieved that he wasn't acting like the spooks portrayed in the flick he saw, "so..um..where are we?"

**"Since the picture on the lock looks like the one you have on your gut, I guess we're in you...sorta. I kinda dropped out after my eleventh time in the Second Grade so I don't really mess with any methaphysical stuff."**

"Well..guess that makes sense." He said, calming down a little more, "Now that we got that out of the way, mind telling me why the hell you attacked Konoha in the first place? 'Cause niether of us would be in this prediciment otherwise!"

**"Can't really say; everything just kinda mushed into a big blur after Lydia died.." **The name was uttered with a hint of depression.

"Lydia? Who's that?"

**"An old friend of mine. Ya see, back then, I had a reputation, not that I hadn't earned it, mind you, of being a known troublemaker in the Neitherworld..."**

"Neither-wha?"

**"Neitherword. I guess another word would be the Afterlife. Anyway.." **Beetlejuice went on before another interruption could appear, **"Lydia was pretty much the only person in either world who was able to put up with me, even when she disagreed with a few of my schemes. But even then she was still my best friend. Heh, you wouldn't believe some of the stuff we got into; like the time we made a cologne that turned people into their complete opposite, or when I got my hands on a credit card and went wild with it to try and and out-snob a rich couple that had moved nearby. All in all, she was one of the few people that I honestly cared about. Pretty much why I snapped after that motherfucker Scuzzo killed her."** Beetlejuice spat out the name like he was clearing his throat after puking.

After hearing that, Naruto wasn't too sure if he should ask what happened but one thing came out, "Who's Scuzzo?"

**"More like who **_**was**_** he...Scuzzo was a jerk of a clown who liked to think he was the funniest guy in the Neitherworld, though creativty was never that clown's strong suit. Needless to say, we didn't like each other all that much and tried to one-up the other when we could. However, his last attempt to prank me turned out to truly be his last: Lydia and I were watching a monster movie when we got someone at the door." **He sighed and rubbed his forehead, **"I knew I should have answered it myself, but instead I asked her to get it...lost track of how long I've regretted that. Damn clown thought it would be funny to hit me with soapy water from a high-pressure hose when I opened the door."**

"He wasn't expecting her to be on the other side, was he..?"

Beetlejuice's expression was more than enough of an answer, **"The jet sent her flying back against the wall. Impact was hard enough to snap her neck..." **The huge fox fought back a few tears when he said that, **"Only thing I'm glad for is that it was instant. Afterwards...I'm not sure exactly what happened, can just recall pieces of Scuzzo laying around. Aside from that it's all kinda hazy up till that big frog I ran into. There was a guy on it's head too, had hair like yours."**

"The Fourth.."

**"Whatever he was called, he did something and the next thing I know I'm in here. Not that I'm complaining about the decor..though it could less soggy.."** He muttered, shaking out a drenched paw.

"Yeah..um, look, sorry about making you bring that back up..."

**"It's ok. What's done is done. To be honest.."** Beetlejuice abruply laid down, causing a small wave to hit Naruto, **"Ever since I got crammed in here I've been able to see what you've had to put up with, and frankly, no offense but your life sucks.."**

"How kind of you to point that out." Naruto deadpanned.

**"Don't get all bent outta shape on me, the pranks were definatly noteworthy. Anyhoo I got a proposistion for ya. Now, I dunno how long it's really been since that day, and odds are everyone I knew have probably already moved on with their afterlives. What I'm trying to say is: I think it's time I passed on the mantle of 'Ghost With The Most' **

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"So, to make a long story short, Beetlejuice finally moved on for lack of a better term and I inherited his favorite suit. Oh, and his power."

Zabuza was he first to speak up after several minutes of silence, "Well...damn.."

"Um, quite.." Sarutobi added, "What exactly were you planning to do with these new abilites?" He immediantly realized that was a stupid question when the blonde's face split into a VERY disturbing grin.

All across Konoha, civilian and shinobi alike felt the urge to whimper and go hide under their blankets.

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I know the ending isn't all that great, but felt it better than dragging things out more.


	5. Chapter 5

"Sign here, here...inital here, fingerprint over there..stamp it in the corner..there." Sarutobi looked at the completed form before adding his own signature, "As of now, Naruto Uzumaki is no longer a member of Team 7. However, we'll have to give you an evaluation to see what your new posistion should be. In the meantime you'll just be giving the other teams a hand when necessary."

Naruto shrugged, "Eh, I can work with that. Long as I don't have to put up with those three anymore."

The Hokage turned his attention to Zabuza and Haku, "One your probation period is over, Zabuza, I'll instate you as an offical Konoha shinobi. Haku, we'll need to evaluate you as well to see what rank to put you at. That is, unless you wish to just be a civilian."

"Well, how does this place feel about people with Kekkei Genkai?" Haku asked uneasily, making a small ball of ice form in her hand.

Sarutobi's eyes widened, "Hyouton? Well I'll be...I had heard all its users had fallen victim to Mist's Bloodline Purge, rather glad to see I was wrong. To be honest, I'd reccommend becoming offical; granted Konoha holds Bloodlines in high regard, but I'm afraid the majority has become rather obsessed with one in particular." The look on his face was enough to tell her who he meant, "Knowing certain members of the council, should you go civilian, they'll try their damnedest to make you...well, I'd preferr not to mention it, but I think you get the idea. That or attempt to make you the Uchiha's wife, weither you want to or not."

"Oh HEEELLL NO!" Zabuza growled, "I see Haku almost like my little sister, and I will shove Kubikiri Houcho up that emo prick's ass sideways before letting him even get near her!"

"Just so you know, this is by no means to pressure you, I just want you to be aware of the situation." Sarutobi added, mentally groaning in sympathy pain at the though of Zabuza's claim.

"Well, since you put it that way, I think I'll go full ninja." Haku responded.

"Right, I'll see about having it ready for you in the next couple of days. And last but not least; the matter of where you'll be staying." As the sentence ended, Sarutobi's gaze fell on Naruto.

The blonde quickly caught on, "Whoa, Jiji. Unless you got some extra bedrooms stashed somewhere, I really doubt 3 people can live in a two-room apartment."

"Actually..this is something I should've given you a long time ago, but felt it would be best when you were able to look after yourself." Sarutobi snickered lightly, "Though, given what Zabuza said you did to Gato and his men, I'd say it's safe to go ahead." Placing his palm on the desk, the Hokage performed a few one handed seals. As soon as he finished the last, a seal appeared in the corner of the desktop followed by a faint click, revealing a hidden panel.

"Naruto," He reached in and extracted a larger than normal scroll "This is the last will and testament of your parents, Minato Namikaze and Kushina Uzumaki."

"Um, let me be sure I heard that right." Zabuza wiggled a finger in his ear, "You're talking about Minato 'Fourth Hokage, AKA: Yellow Flash, AKA: Iwa's worst nightmare' Namikaze and Kushina 'The Whirlpool Princess, AKA: Red Death, AKA: Source of the wet dreams for half the Seven Swordsmen of the Mist.."

"Oi! Really NOT something I wanna know about my mom, thank you very much!" Naruto gave him a one eyed glared

"What? I respected her sword skills. Was never really into redheads to begin with. Anyhoo," Zabuza turned his attention back to the Hokage, "You're saying he's THEIR kid!" When the Hokage gave a confirming nod, he made his way to the nearest chair and immedianly slumped into it, "Holy shit..." He muttered.

"Right.." Sarutobi responded, "Well, I guess you'd better go check out your new home. The scroll has the address inside. I'd accompany you, but.." He turned his gaze to the remenants of Team 7, "I have some chewing out to do."

"Oo, can I leave a shadow clone to watch?" Naruto asked eagerly, getting a deadpan espression in return, "Can't blame a guy for asking."

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Haku peered through the heavy iron gates of their destination, past the bars was nothing but a lot filled with weeds and trash, "Naruto, are you sure this is the right place? There's nothing here." After a moment of silence, she looked over to see him with his face buried in the scroll.

"Hehehe, sneaky, Dad. Really sneaky." He chuckled from behind the paper, "It's there, Haku. We're just looking at it in its security mode."

"Care to expand on that?" Zabuza looked over the blonde's shoulder at the writing.

"Niether of them really trusted the civilian side or the elder members of the council so while Mom was pregnant they had a seal array set up to activate in case anything happened to them before I was old enough, hiding the place so they couldn't get their hands on the house or the contents. This whole place is set up like a big storage seal; all the crap we're looking at right now is just a genjutsu."

Zabuza whistled under his breath, "Hm, color me impressed. Didn't have anything like that in Mist, that's for sure."

"But how do we even get in? This gate doesn't have any lock or handle." Haku asked.

Naruto gave the scroll another look, "Lessee..the gate, the gate...here we go...well, that's handy." Without another word, Naruto reached out and ran his hand over the blade Zabuza's sword, opening a gash in his palm.

"Wha..? Hey, what the hell, gaki!" Zabuza yelled, watching him slap the bleeding palm onto the middle of the gate. On contact, a glowing seal appeared under his hand. Suddenly, what could only be described as an explosion erupted from the center of the lot, filling it with smoke.

When it cleared, three jaws could be heard disengaging along with the click of the gate opening up.

"Whoa..." The trio said in unison. In place of the lot now stood a three-story manor, complete with a groomed garden on one side of the stone patch leading from the gate.

They stood in silence for minute before Naruto grinned, "Dibs on the master bedroom!" He yelled as he ran to the door.

"Hey! No fair!" Zabuza took off in persuit.

"Wait for me!" Haku rushed in behind them.

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Meanwhile, the Hokage was eyeing a certain jounin and two genin as they finally came to from their unappointed slumber.

"Ugh..my head.."

"Wh..what happened...KAMI, WHY DO I SMELL SO..."!

"SHUT UP!" Sarutobi's bellow quickly silenced the three, giving him a moment to adequately begin, "You three twits have some explaining to do."

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Oy vey, it's about freaking time I finished this one up.

All right, in celebration of this fic finally getting updated, who do you think should be Naruto's first victim?


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